balivatn: animated icon of bunny wiggling nose and blinking (bunny)
([personal profile] balivatn Jun. 15th, 2011 09:44 pm)
I'm having one of those periods where there's a lot of ups and downs. At least they're not huge peaks and valleys, more like a closely knit jagged line.

The peaks normally involve stuff like my new partners, the critters, moments with Dan where I remember why I've been with him for 14 years, stuff like that. I tried making chain mail again for the first time in quite a few years - it was a box weave chain, that I gave to my new love. He likes it a lot, which makes me feel good. I've ordered some stuff from the Ring Lord to try out some different projects with. Maybe at some point this month I can get my Artfire site up and running - that'd be a good thing, since my job is winding down for the summer, and money is going to be a bit snug.

That would be one of the lows - financial issues. My job pays... well enough. It works out to just over minimum wage when we do a breakdown. But it's not particularly consistent - I've had five classes a week that I teach during the school year, but they're ending. And we really don't have anything for the summer, unless someone books a party or petting zoo. So I've been applying for jobs, but as I'm sure most people know, the economy sucks tremendous amounts of ass, and I haven't landed anything.

With money would come a better apartment. With Dan's other girlfriends and now me having another relationship, a two-bedroom apartment would be a lot better. I would also like to get rid of the giant beanbag Colin gave me - too many memories. And really, a comfy couch would probably be useful for other people as well - you can sleep on the beanbag, but as we get older, people tend to wake up really stiff.

Went to a munch for the first time in almost three years. My new guy is interested in using kink to sort of explore his own psychology, and that's an area I'm really not familiar with - or feel confident enough to do, due to my own mental issues. So I went looking for other resources, and there's a group/club called Threshold that meets every so often. So I went Monday night - basically to see if I could hold out and if I started panicking. Munches are probably the least threatening arena for this, since it's basically a group dinner in a public place.

Got a decent vibe from the people there - no one really skeezy (unlike the munches I went to in Pittsburgh). So that's encouraging. Especially if I want to bring new love to anything - he'll need me to anchor himself to in some ways, which means I need to be comfortable around these people to help him. They have discussion groups and classes, and I'll probably attend those before I attempt any sort of play party. They did say that it was fine to just go to a play party and watch, and no one would bother us (beyond "Hi are you new?"). So that's encouraging. I'm still nervous about it, but at least I got a decent first impression from the group.

And then.... there's my ex and his current. I've referred to them both as "my exes" but... she and I were never really together, so I guess that's probably not the most accurate label. I really want to talk to them, but I'm not sure how. Emails I've sent have gone unanswered, I don't know if the phone numbers I have are valid, and if they're on IM, I don't want to interuppt things, which won't help any sort of productive conversation if I'm trying to talk about serious things while Ash is trying to write essays or Colin is trying to finish a project. They don't have many warm fuzzy feelings for me, and constantly interuppting their lives will certainly not help that.

There's also the point that Colin pretty much won't discuss any of the issues, where Ash will interpret just about anything I say as saying that she did things wrong, that she was the bad guy, that I want her to take the "blame." Which... is simply not right. But it seems next to impossible to convince her otherwise. The problems I have with Ash's behavior have very little to do with my relationship with Colin ending. But if I even mention how some of the things Colin was part of hurt, then she (understandably) gets defensive about her love, and... yeah. It goes round and round and doesn't get anywhere. The counselor I used to go to moved to their area (which is funny), and when I mentioned the possibility of maybe having him help with some discussions, Colin said he didn't have the energy. And to the best of my knowledge, he's pretty much either broken off contact with anyone who knew we were dating, or has forbidden the topic in conversation. Not that I want someone else to talk for me, but I really just want some way of getting through to him.

Of course, there's part of me that wonders why I'm bothering. You'd figure the continued silence would pretty much be my answer, yeah? Why I miss them, why I want to reach a resolution or understanding... those are hard questions to answer with words. Dan mentioned that missing them has pretty much been most of my relationship life, since most of our relationship (even the non-romantic one with Ash), has been carried out over a distance. So missing them was just part of the package, really.

While I do miss both Colin and Ash, I will admit that I did focus more on Colin. He was the person I knew longest, had been in love with longest. I loved/love Ash, but never really got a chance to know her - which leads to a different feel to missing her. I won't say I miss her less, but I miss her... differently. Maybe because she tried a few more times to try and talk to me than he did, so it's not... quite as gaping a wound.

But with Colin... with him and Dan, I had a home. And considering I've never really had a home... that was a pretty big deal. And I was willing and hoping to have a home with Ash as well. So I've been fairly homeless since he cut me off. There's also just the part that really wanted all the promises that were made. That I'd have a home, that he'd be there for me, that he wanted me, that we'd get to go places and do things and I wouldn't have to rush right back out again, or hide while his family was around. And I never really got to do those, so that wound is taking a long time to heal.

As I've said to other people (and may have used here), it feels like when he cut me off, I lost my left arm. I'm right handed, so I'm not totally incapicated, but... there's still phantom pain. There's still things I can't do. And my new guy is NOT a replacement - even if things get really serious between us, it won't be the same. They're not the same people, and I'm not going to try and use him to "replace" Colin, and I'm not going to use his girlfriend to "replace" Ash. That's not fair to anyone, as that would be impossible.



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