balivatn: woman with hands bound in front of her (blue rope)
([personal profile] balivatn Dec. 17th, 2011 05:37 am)
Have had several good experiences this month. My brain, my heart, and my body, however, are quarreling.

I still miss A and C. Even with all the crap they put me through. And I can't speak to them. I don't think they WANT me dead, but I don't think they'd be terribly upset if I was. So I get frustrated with myself for loving people who were and are so obviously disinterested in my well-being.

I'm nervous about the future. D and I might have a great opportunity, but it's going to be risky and expensive. He got offered a GREAT job that pays very well in North Carolina. But the company can't cover his relocation, and it's about 4000 dollars to move. Which we quite simply don't have. We're trying to figure out options, but it's scary. I'm frustrated I could only find a job that pays so little and can't contribute more.

And there's relationship stuff. I love D, and I'm not planning on leaving him. But I'm not monogamous. Sometimes I wish I was, because he seems to be the only person that is willing to admit he's with me. But I miss other people. I want people who love me. I want people to whom I'm more than an experiment or a sometimes fuck. I want people who will take care of me if needed and let me take care of them. I want people who will sometimes post little love notes on our Facebooks or whatever. I want people I can be goofy with, who I can just hang out with, who aren't afraid of me, who can find me attractive, who will consider the shit I've gone through, think of how they'd like to be treated, and then act accordingly. I want people who aren't afraid to admit they screwed up and have the guts to apologize and work through shit. I want people who are active in their affection for me, who don't make me have to do all the work.



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