My mental illness has caused me more shame than anything else because my physical issues are only hard on me. My brain makes things hard for others, like my husband. I have self-medicated when I knew it was counter-productive. I have said and done things in the course of trying to make a dark time end that I cringe when I remember it all. To be unable to regulate my emotions makes me feel ashamed because it deprives me of being able to do that which others do effortlessly. I cannot eat properly, sleep becomes impossible, even showering seems beyond me. The shame that comes from not even knowing if one has the physical and emotional resources to engage in the most basic elements of self-care, like eating and showering, humbles you and diminishes you. It also makes me full of dread because many sunny days are clouded by the fact that I know a dark day will come again. It’s hard. But again, I work through it. Some days are horrible. Some days are wonderful.

From here: http://ireadoddbooks.com/you-cant-shame-a-scarred-up-depressive/

Her entry eventually is hopeful, and I'm not quite to that point yet. But this paragraph is a very apt description.
balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)
»

Yes

( Jun. 7th, 2011 02:46 pm)
This is the explanation for how suicide sometimes sounds like a viable option, not just to me, but to a lot of others:

""When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources."

I've never claimed my ideations or thoughts to try and "get back" at anyone, because I'm looking for pity, or any of the other reasons that have ever been assigned to me by those who were pissed at me... the only time I've mentioned them has been when I'm trying to talk about how much I hurt, and how little it felt like I had any other options.

Quote from http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Does anyone know where this quote is from? As you can probably imagine, it resonates quite a bit with me.

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel - like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart - locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.”
( Mar. 11th, 2010 12:00 pm)
http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/437140.html

I'm not as suicidal as often. I haven't deliberately hurt myself in a little over a year. But I've still heard so much of the stuff that she takes on here, it's still so pervasive, even from people that seem to want to understand.
( Nov. 20th, 2009 12:05 pm)
Read the article and some of the comments for staggering amounts of not getting it. This is one of the reasons it's hard for me to just "deal with things." And probably why people are so surprised when I'm still crying after talking about something happy.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/montreal/story/2009/11/19/quebec-facebook-sick-leave-benefits.html
balivatn: (anger)
( May. 9th, 2009 05:14 pm)


I apologize for the audio quality being a little off - all the other videos were using Burn Notice clips to flesh out the video, and while I love Burn Notice, I wanted to show the artist and the album.

Time Bomb lyrics )
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