( Feb. 17th, 2011 11:44 pm)
Sometimes I just want to say and type their names over and over again and make a bridge of words.

I wish they missed me.

I wish I could make people understand.
Lot of stuff going on in my head - most of it would be pointless to write out. Wishing I could do more than wish things differently, but I have no idea what those things would be.

Been thinking a lot about gender stuff. I've mentioned I don't gender-identify when at all possible, but there's times and places where I don't really have too many options, and it's rather frustrating. A lot of forms that require me to pick one (the only time I'm OK with this is for sex, not gender, and really, that's only at the doctor's). OKCupid - have to identify. Facebook - have to identify. Market research - online I have to identify, otherwise I can't proceed on the survey. Meatspace surveys I generally do say "Does not apply." Don't have to identify on Twitter, at least. Don't have to identify here.

But then there's that whole "offline" concept. I work with elementary schoolers. I always introduce myself as "Teacher Balivatn." However, if I'm not dressed in "men's" clothes, then I get called "Miss Balivatn." And the teachers and aides and parents also refer to me as "Miss Balivatn." I don't really feel comfortable correcting them all the time - the little kids won't understand why, and considering some of these schools, the parents wouldn't either.

Then there's the just the casual everyday references that people use - I can be "Aunt Balivatn" to my sister's kids, I'm my cats' "mother," I get asked to "girls' night out," all that sort of thing.

There's also apparently the idea that if I dress in any way that shows "feminine" characteristics (i.e., my tits are noticeable and not strapped down with a sports bra), or if I wear jewelry, or anything like that, apparently I'm a girl then. So I have to dress a specific way if I don't want to be misgendered by everyone. And even if I do dress in an androgynous fashion, I still get asked to identify, and there's a lot of cases where I can't just say "none of the above, thank you."

Most of the people I know (my family excepted), would be very good about using the right pronouns and referring to me as a man if I was transgendered. But I'm not. I'm not cisgendered, either. I tend to say I am cissexual - that's mostly true, I'm not really looking to change my body to match a different sexual or gender identity - but I'm not always comfortable with the physical body I have. Not just a "unattractive" stage (although that's pretty much a constant, especially lately), but more a "something else would feel more right" sense.

But because I'm neither fish nor fowl... I don't really exist. The only place I can really not have a gender identity is where people can't see me, where I exist as words on screen.

I don't know. I don't really know how to make sense out of it. Guess that's not really unique, though.
balivatn: (pic#587585)
»

Meh

( Jan. 10th, 2011 08:39 pm)
It's not been a great couple months (probably could extend that, but... yeah).

Talk of frustration and sex and relationship stuff )
balivatn: (pic#587613)
( Jan. 5th, 2011 04:54 pm)
At least, it's not the obvious mental side.

I tried to take advantage of a free pass to a local gym because I like to swim, and the gym has a lap pool and hot tub, which I do tend to like. But this past week has been extra wonky with the depression stuff. I mean, I'm having all the mental issues, but the weird thing is the other stuff that goes along with it. I've been really tired this week - sleeping WAY more than I usually do, especially considering I've been an insomniac for so much of my life. I've been coming home from the shelter or from work and pretty much crawling into bed and not coming out unless Dan can tempt me out with food or reminding me there's something i really need to do.

Doesn't really add up to great workout motivation.

I've also not really been eating well. There's some speculation that more protein might help with mood, but when I'm having a down period, protein stuff doesn't really sound good. I pretty much want sugar cookies or garlic triscuits. Unless, of course, I'm asleep.

The constant sleeping has some definite mental effects, though - I obviously feel guilty about sleeping so much and not doing more around the house to keep it clean. I'm also worried because people I care about are leaving in a few weeks and I haven't really said much to them. But things between us are still pretty uneasy, and so it's hard to write out what I'm feeling to them and not fall into the pitfalls that we've hit so many times already.

That does start the mental stuff.

Therapy is going - my individual therapist is nice enough, but she rarely has suggestions. Maybe it's just the way I'm framing things in our sessions - perhaps some of the stuff going on gets described in a relateable or understandable way to her there. If that's the case, I wish I could duplicate that with the people who actually matter to me.
It's a little after 3. Fiance has his conference call around 5. I have to work tomorrow for the same person who's school went so badly Wednesday. I'm worried he's going to hassle me.

Pocket has to go to the vet in the morning - at least he started eating.

It's not a good night. I want my home and my family of choice, and ... I can't have them.
balivatn: (anger)
( Oct. 12th, 2010 10:07 pm)
Was reading an entry somewhere, and someone (badly) recommended that the OP read about the 5 Love Languages and see where she and her boyfriend were having problems. It wasn't good advice there, but it did get me thinking about some of the stuff that's been going on. Not that that's a big surprise, considering most things get me thinking about what happened. But the results were interesting.

Results )
balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)
( Sep. 26th, 2010 09:57 pm)
Been one of those weeks of too much thinking and missing. Wishing I could say some things, but knowing I can't yet, if I ever can.

There's so many things I want to do with the people I love, but... I'm not part of their lives. Time hasn't really helped, and anything I can think of that might feels impossible for one reason or another. I want to keep trying in so many ways, but I don't know if that's even wanted.
balivatn: (pic#587585)
( Sep. 12th, 2010 05:51 am)
As you can probably guess, by the fact it's about 5AM here, this is not necessarily a chipper entry. Entries posted before sunrise rarely are - it depends on if I woke up early or if I haven't slept yet. In this case, it's the former.

Hierarchy )
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