balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)


( Sep. 20th, 2011 09:27 am)
Looking at pictures of a recent event. Noticing that one of the key players looks particularly unhappy in most of the shots (the few they're in). I wonder if the people who were there noticed (I wasn't there). Somehow, I doubt it. Or if they did notice, I doubt they care.

It's interesting and kind of sad what people don't mind losing.

Also rather sad to realize that the person I loved pretty much no longer exists. And wondering if they noticed that that person seems to have vanished.
balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)
( Sep. 4th, 2011 12:29 pm)
Work is tiring - and I'm not looking forward to starting to teach at one school. They've always been high maintenance, but now they're saying they don't want me to bring the wolves - ever - and they want a list of animals so they can pre-approve what I bring. I'm trying to be understanding, but it also feels like they're just setting things up so if anything DOES go wrong they can kick us out. And I'd rather not deal with them at all, but my boss doesn't feel the same way. So that's rather annoying.

Classes at the community college progress. I didn't get into the math or bio class I wanted, so my semester is mostly gen ed stuff (my previous classes were too old to transfer). An odd feeling, being at the low level undergrad again.

Personal stuff continues to suck. Not going to get into details yet, but the next week is going to be very rough on me emotionally - especially because any overtures I've made have been rebuffed, and there's no progress to be made anywhere. And I've become very tired of the phrase "take care of yourself." I've heard it way too many times as a milquetoast placebo from people who fucked up and it always feels like they're trying to say "I'm a good person, but you're not worth the energy it would take to help you, so you have to do it all on your own." Which is fucked-up and uncool.
I didn't really cry from ages of 6 until I was about 16. Apparently I'm making up for it now. Some days the duration of the crying is shorter than others, but there hasn't really been a day I can remember in the past few years where it hasn't happened.

It's going to be worse for the next few weeks, and I hate that fact.
Not having a good night. Abandoment pretty much finalized - too much other more fun stuff to focus on. Worried about new things, since the wounds from the old are still raw and apparently wanting consideration is actually wanting to be treated like glass. I thought there was a difference, apparently I'm wrong. Not surprising, seems to be what everyone thinks anyway.
balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)
( Jul. 5th, 2011 04:41 am)
Stupid brain. Today was one of those days when the depression really didn't want me to do much other than sleep. So I went to bed around 2 AM on Monday, slept until 10 or so, was awake for about an hour, then took about a three-hour nap, then woke up for another hour, then slept for another 3 hours. This means that when I actually tried to sleep at a "normal" time, because I have to work tomorrow, that's... so not happening.

All my dreams have been of the strongly realistic types - at least they haven't been flashbacks or re-livings of stuff that's happened, which I guess is good. One dream allowed me to talk to Colin, which is more than is probably going to happen in real life. Although even in my dreams, I had to basically trap him in a room he couldn't leave from, and make him look at me. That's... probably a fairly realistic depiction of how that would go right now. Another involved work stuff - my boss has been through a lot these past couple of years, and relies on me more than a boss should rely on an employee. Don't get me wrong, I really like my job, but it's not a career job. There's no benefits, no stability. If I don't teach, I don't get paid. I have no health insurance. I can't stay there for a long term thing - and that's ignoring some of the basic issues I have with how the animals are kept and cared for. None of them are horribly neglected, but there's a lot that should be done to have the healthiest animals - which would make them better to take around and introduce to random kids. But it's a small company, and the economy sucks - so they get food and water and all that stuff, but none of us really have time to do tons of socializing, or anything like that. We socialize when we can, but... there's just not enough of us. And not enough money to hire more people to do that.

Plus school will start in August. I'm of mixed feelings about that. I used to be a good student, but my degrees are all from very different fields than this, so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to handle. I used to be really good at biology and science, and the vet I work with at the animal shelter seems to think I'm not an idiot, so maybe I can pull it off. But once I finish, I'll want a more career type job - at the zoo, at a clinic, hell, maybe the shelter will be hiring at that point.

I also have a lot of brainspace devoted to something else - I'm not going to go into details until I have a better idea of how I'm going to respond. It's very confusing, and I'm really not sure how the other party involved wants me to respond, if they're even in a place where they can handle a response, and what they're willing to listen to and believe.
balivatn: animated icon of bunny wiggling nose and blinking (bunny)
( Jun. 15th, 2011 09:44 pm)
I'm having one of those periods where there's a lot of ups and downs. At least they're not huge peaks and valleys, more like a closely knit jagged line.

The peaks normally involve stuff like my new partners, the critters, moments with Dan where I remember why I've been with him for 14 years, stuff like that. I tried making chain mail again for the first time in quite a few years - it was a box weave chain, that I gave to my new love. He likes it a lot, which makes me feel good. I've ordered some stuff from the Ring Lord to try out some different projects with. Maybe at some point this month I can get my Artfire site up and running - that'd be a good thing, since my job is winding down for the summer, and money is going to be a bit snug.

That would be one of the lows - financial issues. My job pays... well enough. It works out to just over minimum wage when we do a breakdown. But it's not particularly consistent - I've had five classes a week that I teach during the school year, but they're ending. And we really don't have anything for the summer, unless someone books a party or petting zoo. So I've been applying for jobs, but as I'm sure most people know, the economy sucks tremendous amounts of ass, and I haven't landed anything.

With money would come a better apartment. With Dan's other girlfriends and now me having another relationship, a two-bedroom apartment would be a lot better. I would also like to get rid of the giant beanbag Colin gave me - too many memories. And really, a comfy couch would probably be useful for other people as well - you can sleep on the beanbag, but as we get older, people tend to wake up really stiff.

Went to a munch for the first time in almost three years. My new guy is interested in using kink to sort of explore his own psychology, and that's an area I'm really not familiar with - or feel confident enough to do, due to my own mental issues. So I went looking for other resources, and there's a group/club called Threshold that meets every so often. So I went Monday night - basically to see if I could hold out and if I started panicking. Munches are probably the least threatening arena for this, since it's basically a group dinner in a public place.

Got a decent vibe from the people there - no one really skeezy (unlike the munches I went to in Pittsburgh). So that's encouraging. Especially if I want to bring new love to anything - he'll need me to anchor himself to in some ways, which means I need to be comfortable around these people to help him. They have discussion groups and classes, and I'll probably attend those before I attempt any sort of play party. They did say that it was fine to just go to a play party and watch, and no one would bother us (beyond "Hi are you new?"). So that's encouraging. I'm still nervous about it, but at least I got a decent first impression from the group.

And then.... there's my ex and his current. I've referred to them both as "my exes" but... she and I were never really together, so I guess that's probably not the most accurate label. I really want to talk to them, but I'm not sure how. Emails I've sent have gone unanswered, I don't know if the phone numbers I have are valid, and if they're on IM, I don't want to interuppt things, which won't help any sort of productive conversation if I'm trying to talk about serious things while Ash is trying to write essays or Colin is trying to finish a project. They don't have many warm fuzzy feelings for me, and constantly interuppting their lives will certainly not help that.

There's also the point that Colin pretty much won't discuss any of the issues, where Ash will interpret just about anything I say as saying that she did things wrong, that she was the bad guy, that I want her to take the "blame." Which... is simply not right. But it seems next to impossible to convince her otherwise. The problems I have with Ash's behavior have very little to do with my relationship with Colin ending. But if I even mention how some of the things Colin was part of hurt, then she (understandably) gets defensive about her love, and... yeah. It goes round and round and doesn't get anywhere. The counselor I used to go to moved to their area (which is funny), and when I mentioned the possibility of maybe having him help with some discussions, Colin said he didn't have the energy. And to the best of my knowledge, he's pretty much either broken off contact with anyone who knew we were dating, or has forbidden the topic in conversation. Not that I want someone else to talk for me, but I really just want some way of getting through to him.

Of course, there's part of me that wonders why I'm bothering. You'd figure the continued silence would pretty much be my answer, yeah? Why I miss them, why I want to reach a resolution or understanding... those are hard questions to answer with words. Dan mentioned that missing them has pretty much been most of my relationship life, since most of our relationship (even the non-romantic one with Ash), has been carried out over a distance. So missing them was just part of the package, really.

While I do miss both Colin and Ash, I will admit that I did focus more on Colin. He was the person I knew longest, had been in love with longest. I loved/love Ash, but never really got a chance to know her - which leads to a different feel to missing her. I won't say I miss her less, but I miss her... differently. Maybe because she tried a few more times to try and talk to me than he did, so it's not... quite as gaping a wound.

But with Colin... with him and Dan, I had a home. And considering I've never really had a home... that was a pretty big deal. And I was willing and hoping to have a home with Ash as well. So I've been fairly homeless since he cut me off. There's also just the part that really wanted all the promises that were made. That I'd have a home, that he'd be there for me, that he wanted me, that we'd get to go places and do things and I wouldn't have to rush right back out again, or hide while his family was around. And I never really got to do those, so that wound is taking a long time to heal.

As I've said to other people (and may have used here), it feels like when he cut me off, I lost my left arm. I'm right handed, so I'm not totally incapicated, but... there's still phantom pain. There's still things I can't do. And my new guy is NOT a replacement - even if things get really serious between us, it won't be the same. They're not the same people, and I'm not going to try and use him to "replace" Colin, and I'm not going to use his girlfriend to "replace" Ash. That's not fair to anyone, as that would be impossible.
balivatn: (pic#587585)
( May. 31st, 2011 10:45 pm)
Having some bad brain days. My new loves are amazing and fun, but there's been a few bumps there. It's tricky because they live together, and, due mainly to the newness of it all, when I go over to spend the night, it still feels a bit like I'm intruding on "their" space. I'm also a little worried about what happens when they move in to her house, where her parents still live. I'm not even sure if her parents know about our relationship. There's also things like - what do I do if I want to spend time alone with one of them? How do I ask for things I want or need without being selfish or seeming like I'm trying to cut out someone or anything like that?

And then there's the old loves. Who would prefer it if I dropped dead. And are pissed at me (when they think of me at all) for everything. For not telling them soon enough that I had triggers. Whether or not I knew that the triggers existed seems to be a moot point. I hadn't had a flashback or reaction like the big one I had for over 14 years, and I did not know I would react so strongly to these things. I did tell them, although not in detail, about the abuse, the abandonment, the fact that I did have issues. But... apparently they didn't hear it. They seem to think I want them to flagellate themselves in public, that my talking to them about mundane things wasn't anything more than that. It couldn't possibly be that I talk to them about mundane stuff because I don't know what their headspace is, or what they were doing, or didn't want to blindside them with things. My reasoning for anything is apparently only ever to make them feel bad. I wish I knew how I was allowed to feel about things, and how to discuss things without immediately being treated as some manipulative psycho selfish bitch.
balivatn: animated icon of bunny wiggling nose and blinking (bunny)
( Mar. 30th, 2011 09:02 pm)
So I'm at an odd place, emotionally. I still have two large person-shaped holes in my heart, but the people that I hoped to fill them seem to have decided to no longer speak to me. Which stings a bit, to say the least.

I don't want to say "there's nothing more I can do," but... I'm just not sure what TO do, really. I want to call, text, email, IM... but I don't want to do anything that can be taken as me trying to harass them, and I don't want to make them uncomfortable.

I'm trying to get out of the house and do stuff with people, instead of just the animals. I started playing a vampire game - which isn't my favorite system, but is WoD at least. I'm kind of tired of D&D games, although I'm still in one. It gives me and Dan something to do on Fridays.

The storyteller and her boyfriend are fairly nice, and there's a small simmer of flirtatiousness that goes on between the three of us at game. Enough to be noticeable, but small enough to ignore if it comes down to that.

I also met a really nice woman named Sava (which I think is a gorgeous name), and we went out to dinner last month. She works as a television assistant, so shortly after that, she was called out of town. She mentioned that she was free for dinner this Thursday, though - hopefully that comes off. She's married, so there will definitely be a balancing act involved there. I admit to being a little nervous in this arena, which leads me to the other stuff circling in my head.

It's mainly worry about talking about my last relationship and the issues I'm currently dealing with. I don't want to demonize Colin and Ash. I'm worried that by saying what they did that was hurtful, I'll come off as just bitching about my ex and his current. Which isn't what I want to do.

But I also don't want to just gloss over things, because that's sort of what bit me in the ass last time. I tried to keep any sort of details vague, because they make people so uncomfortable. And so, the groundwork was set for a massive trigger, which did damage to the then-current relationship and pretty much killed the potential relationship I was interested in.

And of course, there's the fact that I still really wish I could resolve SOMETHING with those two. It's stupid, I know, but as my birthday gets closer, I wish that whatever forces control birthday magic in the universe would actually decide to be nice and they would actually call or email me and open an actual dialogue with me. I can't even begin to say how much it would help to hear "Look, I've been thinking, and I wouldn't have liked to have been on your end of (hurtful action), so let's see what we can do here."

Some of it seems just to be a unwillingness to not think about bad things - and I'm one of those bad things. Not only that, I'm a bad thing that CAN be ignored (unlike something like family health issues or financial stress or whatever). While the five-six hour drive wouldn't be much of an issue to someone that they wanted to maintain a relationship with, it makes it easy to avoid people you want to avoid - no chance of randomly running into me at the store or anything.

Then there's the totally human and understandable, if frustrating, reluctance to admit that something you did hurt someone by mistake. Especially when the thing that hurt someone else was meant to be a good thing for another person. I've gotten some "I'm sorry if you were hurt" type of apologies, but sometimes it feels like if they admit that an action they did was hurtful, then that makes them a bad person. And those apologies tend to be followed by long periods of silence, which makes them harder to really believe.

I get the not wanting to be a bad person - or not wanting to seem like a bad person - it's one of the things I worry about too. There was a woman that messaged me on OKCupid, but was apparently friends (at least Facebook friends) with my ex. If I even come up (I rarely did when we were dating, so...) , I'm sure I'm not really portrayed in flattering terms. And then there's the fact I've gotten blamed for some people not wanting to speak to them - even though if that's ever come up, I've said that I don't want them to lose friends. It's also strange because I know at least one of them doesn't take kindly to anyone who knows about the situation bringing it up at all.

I don't know... it's stressful, and I'm probably thinking about their feelings too much. It is what I would like them to do in regards to me, but I get the feeling there's a lot more pleasant distractions for them. Or at least other distractions. First it was just waiting to see if I would settle down at all, then it was job stuff, then moving, and of course wedding stuff. Again - nothing that would really get in the way of a relationship unless you really wanted it to.

I don't want to come off as though I was totally blameless in all this, either. I was hurt by a lot of things they did, and didn't do, and that's one thing. However, my reactions to that hurt were quite strong, scary, and certainly not productive or helpful. I could have found websites that talked about things I was feeling that DIDN'T have the word abuse there, and I might not have hit that button on him. If I had called her back the night after the flashback...blahblahfishcakes. It's all stuff I've talked about before.

The funny thing is - I'm reasonably sure if any of these scenarios were presented to them by someone else, it would be easier for them to understand why those things would hurt. But because they were done with the best of intentions, and for the cause of love... it's a lot harder to do that. And I get that, and I understand that. I just wish I knew what to do.
So tomorrow (in my time zone) is Valentine's Day. And I do have this fiance type person wandering around, so according to many people, I should be happy. Or at least indifferent. My fiance and I haven't really done much for Valentine's Day in quite some time. If we think about it, we might go out to dinner. But currently the financial situation combined with the work schedules has lead to more dinners out than in - admittedly, they're of the cheap fast food variety for the most part.

These past few Valentine's Days have been rather difficult for me. Mainly because I am in love with four people and only one of them is speaking to me. It's not great to have all these reminders around reminding me of how many people have cut me out of their life.

There's some jealousy, but it's... it feels more complicated than that. Like two of my loves are planning their wedding, after they've moved further away for better jobs. And those are both good things, and I am happy that they get good things. Another former love and friend has found a gorgeous house they want to buy with their current love. This is also a great thing. I just wish it didn't feel like they were getting so much good stuff at my expense. I don't think it's that unnatural to want to share in the happy moments of the lives of those I love. So I'm not exactly jealous that they're getting good things, I'm just... wishing I could be part of them, somehow. Part of their lives.

But I'm fairly sure that would involve speaking to them, at least.

And it seems that that's not something they desire to do.

This does not make for the happiest of Valentine's Days.

The fact that one of the people I love also has a birthday this week doesn't really help, either.
balivatn: (pic#587585)


( Jan. 10th, 2011 08:39 pm)
It's not been a great couple months (probably could extend that, but... yeah).

Talk of frustration and sex and relationship stuff )
The same site that had the love languages thing also had an apology language. It felt a lot like I was checking "make restitution" sort of statements, but apparently I wasn't:

9 Expressing Regret
11 Accepting Responsibility
0 Making Restitution
0 Genuinely Repenting
0 Requesting Apology

Here's the blurb for Accepting Responsibility:

You have chosen Accepting Responsibility as your primary Apology Language. What you are looking for in an apology is maturity. You most want to hear the offending party say, I was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions.

Of course, that can be a problem if the party that I found hurtful disagrees that they were wrong, or if the idea that they did something wrong is too firmly linked with the idea that doing something wrong that hurts someone makes them a bad person (a really common link - hell, even I do it). And admittedly, the words "I was wrong" don't actually matter that much. But I hate feeling like that if I'm hurt by something, then that's all my fault - or sometimes, that fault has to come into it at all.

Here's the website these things came from:

I remember this book being in the Inspirational section when I worked at Bunns and Noodle so many years ago. I don't know if the books have any religious overtones - haven't read them. But the assessments provide some interesting thinky things.
balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)
( Nov. 11th, 2010 01:50 am)
Sometimes I just want to type their names over and over again, and wish it would form a bridge.

I wish I could say something that would actually make a difference for the better.

My bellydancing instructor is doing a show on Sunday, I wish I could invite her and she'd actually go.

I also have a Christmas party at the end of November for the Bulgarian choir. I wish they would come.

This time of year always sucks - it's just such a reminder of all the lost stuff.

Had first counseling session tonight - spent most of it giving the counselor the backstory. He found it fascinating, which is better than dismissive, I guess. He at least seems openminded about all the queer and poly stuff. I wish all of us were there.
balivatn: (pic#587585)
( Nov. 1st, 2010 11:18 pm)
So this weekend was Halloween. As per usual for the past two years, I did nothing. Halloween is not a good time for me. The last time I did anything for Halloween, I wound up having one of the worst flashbacks I've ever had triggered, and things snowballed into my losing several important relationships, a lot of my self-confidence, all the barriers I put up between past abuse and my current life, and nearly my life. There were other things that helped kill things off, but that's where it started.

The rest of this season isn't going to be easy - the nightmares and panic attacks are going to increase, all the rest of it will kick in. It has for the past couple of years - Halloween anniversary, birthdays, holidays, being reminded of all things I lost, knowing that I was expendable to not just the people I love, but a lot of other people, being isolated...

I don't know if I'm going to go into hermit mode - I pretty much am now. I really hope the counseling center gets back to me soon and that they're a decent place. I have a lot of fears about therapy - not the least of which is being afraid that people are going to treat it as some sort of magic wand and have even less patience with me, or that it will be like a lot of other therapies and my being queer and poly will be treated as a symptom. Or that the therapist will only think of things I've already tried and had no success with. And yet I still wish I could ask the people that I've lost to come with me and maybe that would help. But I can't - for a variety of reasons.

And I'm worried that during the process of therapy, I'll be even more cut off from people as stuff comes up and gets processed. But then I realize that I'm already pretty cut off from anybody - the only way I can talk to anyone is to never say anything about how I'm feeling. It's not classy.
balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)
( Sep. 26th, 2010 09:57 pm)
Been one of those weeks of too much thinking and missing. Wishing I could say some things, but knowing I can't yet, if I ever can.

There's so many things I want to do with the people I love, but... I'm not part of their lives. Time hasn't really helped, and anything I can think of that might feels impossible for one reason or another. I want to keep trying in so many ways, but I don't know if that's even wanted.
( Aug. 24th, 2010 08:17 pm)
I'm feeling a bit blocked. There's some good, or at least distracting, things going on - shelter stuff, theoretically new job (I was hired, I just haven't heard anything), standard kitten stuff. But there's other things I'm not really sure how to follow up on.

There were some small breakthroughs a couple of months ago, but I feel as though I didn't follow up on them well enough, and I'm not sure how to, or if I should, remedy that. Or even if I can.

I guess I want to get deeper than kitten discussions and talk about the weather, but the deeper stuff does still involve some uncomfortable territory, and... yeah. Just not sure how to progress. Things aren't really being helped by daily reminders of what's missing and having the sense of time slipping away. If I can't follow up soon, there's going to be anniversaries, birthdays, holidays... just one thing after another that's just going to present even more obstacles.

It's obstacles I'm thinking of. Thinking of how I'd prefer things to turn out, how I'd like the obstacles that have occurred so far to be dealt with instead of avoided, how I like people I love to handle obstacles in general. I mean, obviously I'd rather not have any mishaps, but neither I nor they are perfect, and mishaps happen. It's how people handle those mishaps that make a difference. Or don't.

I just feel sort of lost.
( Aug. 17th, 2010 04:35 am)
Unrelated to some of the other stuff that's going on, though.

I'm not really intending this to be a big announcement, because in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. But for the past few years (maybe five, maybe a little more), I just haven't really been comfortable with the idea of identifying as a woman, or using feminine pronouns. That doesn't mean I really want to identify as man, though. I just don't really like the idea of having to gender identify. If there's no other option, I will identify along feminine lines, I just really prefer not to. It's not a thing I can point to and say "here's the definitive reason" on... it's just... it feels better to not do so.

There's some issues with this, though - I mean, people still look at me and label me as a woman, because I have tits and the like. And I don't really feel comfortable with the idea that if I don't want to gender identify, I have to dress androgynously, although I do that at some points to. And I know that society is not planning on getting rid of gender anytime soon, and I know that gender identity is important for a lot of people. So I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. On LJ, there is some ease - I can tell people I prefer gender neutral pronouns, and places like OKCupid I can say I'm agender (at least in my profile, they still make me pick one). Not sure what to do in regards to family and the like, though.

I don't know - I'm kind of rambling. I just... given my druthers, I wish there were more chances to use "none" or "other" if someone asks if I'm a boy or a girl. I'd like to not have to dress in specific ways in order to be seen as "consistent" with my preferred gender position. I'd really like to be able to wear something that's not concealing, and automatically be classed as "woman," with all the expectations thereunto.

I've also read a lot of wankery about people using gender neutral pronouns - people complain about "zie" and "hir" fairly often. And I get they look strange, because we are so used to seeing "him" or "her" and not really having any non-offensive options (I'm not about to call any person "it"). I'm actually not too keen on "zie" myself. I prefer these myself. It's close to "they," which has its own usage, and its not like singular "they" doesn't have any sort of precedent, but I know people also have issues with that. Of course, there's a difference between using gender neutral language for people whose gender is unknown or for non-specific people and using it for people who do have a stated preference. Anyone who wishes to be identified as "he" or "she," I won't force them into "ey."

I don't know - I'm not entirely sure how to explain it. Just rambling out of my head, I guess.
( Aug. 16th, 2010 11:17 am)
Still alive. Have had some good things happen. Still dealing with other things.
I'm in a place that really feels like I need to be doing something, but I have no idea what, or how.
Also have a sense of time running out, which isn't helping.