Wonder and pain

I went to Griffith Observatory this weekend. It is very scenic and very pretty. The short film narrated by Leonard Nimoy about its renovation is interesting, and Mr. Nimoy is amusing. We went to two shows - one about water in the universe that is meant for younger audiences, and one for older audience that talks about the history of astronomy and the expansion of the universe. The voices of the presenters are absolutely amazing, and I wish I could tape them for people to listen to. The shows' effects are also beautiful.

But going to places like the planetarium, the zoo, faires, or even Disney are always a little bittersweet to me. Especially Disney. As much as I like seeing the things there, and spending time with the people I get to go with, I still miss the others. It's hard for me to show when I'm struck with wonder - my reactions aren't as exuberant as others, so people tend to read me as mopier or less awestruck or less... fun, I guess. And that was difficult for me in the past relationship, and probably something that drove them away - because people could be childlike and show wonder and be fun. And that made people feel young again. And I will always be the gloomy one, the negative one.

And it's part of the "next time" syndrome. "Next time you're here, we'll...." And when next time comes, there's always something else that comes up, and we don't. And it reminds me that they'll never actually see my tattoo in person, I won't get to walk down the street holding hands with them, whisper jokes in a theater, play on the beach, watch fireworks, pet stingrays... share any of the wondrous stuff with the people that still mean so much to me.

And now, to figure out how to word my request for a leave of absence for school. I was trying to get a mental health leave my last year there, maybe I can point that out without going into a lot of pointless detail they won't care about.