(no subject)

Having some bad brain days. My new loves are amazing and fun, but there's been a few bumps there. It's tricky because they live together, and, due mainly to the newness of it all, when I go over to spend the night, it still feels a bit like I'm intruding on "their" space. I'm also a little worried about what happens when they move in to her house, where her parents still live. I'm not even sure if her parents know about our relationship. There's also things like - what do I do if I want to spend time alone with one of them? How do I ask for things I want or need without being selfish or seeming like I'm trying to cut out someone or anything like that?

And then there's the old loves. Who would prefer it if I dropped dead. And are pissed at me (when they think of me at all) for everything. For not telling them soon enough that I had triggers. Whether or not I knew that the triggers existed seems to be a moot point. I hadn't had a flashback or reaction like the big one I had for over 14 years, and I did not know I would react so strongly to these things. I did tell them, although not in detail, about the abuse, the abandonment, the fact that I did have issues. But... apparently they didn't hear it. They seem to think I want them to flagellate themselves in public, that my talking to them about mundane things wasn't anything more than that. It couldn't possibly be that I talk to them about mundane stuff because I don't know what their headspace is, or what they were doing, or didn't want to blindside them with things. My reasoning for anything is apparently only ever to make them feel bad. I wish I knew how I was allowed to feel about things, and how to discuss things without immediately being treated as some manipulative psycho selfish bitch.