Lot of stuff going on in my head - most of it would be pointless to write out. Wishing I could do more than wish things differently, but I have no idea what those things would be.

Been thinking a lot about gender stuff. I've mentioned I don't gender-identify when at all possible, but there's times and places where I don't really have too many options, and it's rather frustrating. A lot of forms that require me to pick one (the only time I'm OK with this is for sex, not gender, and really, that's only at the doctor's). OKCupid - have to identify. Facebook - have to identify. Market research - online I have to identify, otherwise I can't proceed on the survey. Meatspace surveys I generally do say "Does not apply." Don't have to identify on Twitter, at least. Don't have to identify here.

But then there's that whole "offline" concept. I work with elementary schoolers. I always introduce myself as "Teacher Balivatn." However, if I'm not dressed in "men's" clothes, then I get called "Miss Balivatn." And the teachers and aides and parents also refer to me as "Miss Balivatn." I don't really feel comfortable correcting them all the time - the little kids won't understand why, and considering some of these schools, the parents wouldn't either.

Then there's the just the casual everyday references that people use - I can be "Aunt Balivatn" to my sister's kids, I'm my cats' "mother," I get asked to "girls' night out," all that sort of thing.

There's also apparently the idea that if I dress in any way that shows "feminine" characteristics (i.e., my tits are noticeable and not strapped down with a sports bra), or if I wear jewelry, or anything like that, apparently I'm a girl then. So I have to dress a specific way if I don't want to be misgendered by everyone. And even if I do dress in an androgynous fashion, I still get asked to identify, and there's a lot of cases where I can't just say "none of the above, thank you."

Most of the people I know (my family excepted), would be very good about using the right pronouns and referring to me as a man if I was transgendered. But I'm not. I'm not cisgendered, either. I tend to say I am cissexual - that's mostly true, I'm not really looking to change my body to match a different sexual or gender identity - but I'm not always comfortable with the physical body I have. Not just a "unattractive" stage (although that's pretty much a constant, especially lately), but more a "something else would feel more right" sense.

But because I'm neither fish nor fowl... I don't really exist. The only place I can really not have a gender identity is where people can't see me, where I exist as words on screen.

I don't know. I don't really know how to make sense out of it. Guess that's not really unique, though.



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