balivatn: (pic#587585)
( Nov. 1st, 2010 11:18 pm)
So this weekend was Halloween. As per usual for the past two years, I did nothing. Halloween is not a good time for me. The last time I did anything for Halloween, I wound up having one of the worst flashbacks I've ever had triggered, and things snowballed into my losing several important relationships, a lot of my self-confidence, all the barriers I put up between past abuse and my current life, and nearly my life. There were other things that helped kill things off, but that's where it started.

The rest of this season isn't going to be easy - the nightmares and panic attacks are going to increase, all the rest of it will kick in. It has for the past couple of years - Halloween anniversary, birthdays, holidays, being reminded of all things I lost, knowing that I was expendable to not just the people I love, but a lot of other people, being isolated...

I don't know if I'm going to go into hermit mode - I pretty much am now. I really hope the counseling center gets back to me soon and that they're a decent place. I have a lot of fears about therapy - not the least of which is being afraid that people are going to treat it as some sort of magic wand and have even less patience with me, or that it will be like a lot of other therapies and my being queer and poly will be treated as a symptom. Or that the therapist will only think of things I've already tried and had no success with. And yet I still wish I could ask the people that I've lost to come with me and maybe that would help. But I can't - for a variety of reasons.

And I'm worried that during the process of therapy, I'll be even more cut off from people as stuff comes up and gets processed. But then I realize that I'm already pretty cut off from anybody - the only way I can talk to anyone is to never say anything about how I'm feeling. It's not classy.
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