balivatn: (pic#587585)
( May. 31st, 2011 10:45 pm)
Having some bad brain days. My new loves are amazing and fun, but there's been a few bumps there. It's tricky because they live together, and, due mainly to the newness of it all, when I go over to spend the night, it still feels a bit like I'm intruding on "their" space. I'm also a little worried about what happens when they move in to her house, where her parents still live. I'm not even sure if her parents know about our relationship. There's also things like - what do I do if I want to spend time alone with one of them? How do I ask for things I want or need without being selfish or seeming like I'm trying to cut out someone or anything like that?

And then there's the old loves. Who would prefer it if I dropped dead. And are pissed at me (when they think of me at all) for everything. For not telling them soon enough that I had triggers. Whether or not I knew that the triggers existed seems to be a moot point. I hadn't had a flashback or reaction like the big one I had for over 14 years, and I did not know I would react so strongly to these things. I did tell them, although not in detail, about the abuse, the abandonment, the fact that I did have issues. But... apparently they didn't hear it. They seem to think I want them to flagellate themselves in public, that my talking to them about mundane things wasn't anything more than that. It couldn't possibly be that I talk to them about mundane stuff because I don't know what their headspace is, or what they were doing, or didn't want to blindside them with things. My reasoning for anything is apparently only ever to make them feel bad. I wish I knew how I was allowed to feel about things, and how to discuss things without immediately being treated as some manipulative psycho selfish bitch.
Things continue apace with my new relationship. There's been a few small bumps, but so far they've been handleable. A couple of nights ago, I was mildly triggered by something that was going on. Instead of just withdrawing and leaving me to deal with it on my own, I was held and told I was loved and it was OK to be a little broken.

Not the most fun part of my evening, but at least it was handled well.
( May. 12th, 2011 10:34 am)


I seem to have acquired a lovely new partner. Actually, some lovely new partners.

They are from the gaming group I've been with on Saturdays.

He has experience with poly, she is new to the practice, but not the idea. I'm not entirely sure yet if she's going to cultivate or is really interested in a romantic relationship with me on her own, or if she's more comfortable just joining in when there is fun naked time happening. I'm going to take that slowly to make sure that any boundaries that are tested are only done in ways that are not traumatic. Or at least only minimally and handleably traumatic.

The status change happened Tuesday.

I've been walking around with a goofy-ass grin on my face for the past couple of days now.

I'm still with my fiance - and I think having people that know me as I am now, and still finding that desirable, and not being shy about letting me know that I'm desirable, will give me many extra spoons for fixing the weaker areas of my fiance's and my's relationship.

I still miss the other two so much it hurts sometimes, and I still wish that I could reach some sort of peace with all that. I will always hope that when I get a call or check my email, it's them saying "We miss you, we love you, let's talk." I will always love them.

But I'm also feeling something growing for my new gentleman (and his lady). He specifically... I've not felt a "click" this strong in quite some time. My fiance reminds me that it is, in fact, supposed to feel really good. And approves of the me having the new partner(s).

So yeah.

balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)
( Apr. 19th, 2011 10:28 pm)
Today we put my parent's 15 year old dog to sleep. It took a while to find his vein for the shot, but it was over fairly quickly after that. Then we took him to a nice farm that their friend owns, and buried him. He was wrapped in a comfy blanket and buried with his favorite pink ball.

Goodbye, Buster.
( Apr. 12th, 2011 08:43 am)
-looks at the three people on eir facebook list celebrating their house-buying-
-looks at the checking account-
-looks at the recent credit card fuckery-

balivatn: multicolored lily in a vase (lily)
( Apr. 7th, 2011 10:18 pm)
Well, I got a very small part of a present I wanted. One of them did say Happy Birthday to me, and we chatted about iPads for a little while.
Better than last year, at least.

Would like more... in depth.. chatting, but... yeah.
balivatn: animated icon of bunny wiggling nose and blinking (bunny)
( Mar. 30th, 2011 09:02 pm)
So I'm at an odd place, emotionally. I still have two large person-shaped holes in my heart, but the people that I hoped to fill them seem to have decided to no longer speak to me. Which stings a bit, to say the least.

I don't want to say "there's nothing more I can do," but... I'm just not sure what TO do, really. I want to call, text, email, IM... but I don't want to do anything that can be taken as me trying to harass them, and I don't want to make them uncomfortable.

I'm trying to get out of the house and do stuff with people, instead of just the animals. I started playing a vampire game - which isn't my favorite system, but is WoD at least. I'm kind of tired of D&D games, although I'm still in one. It gives me and Dan something to do on Fridays.

The storyteller and her boyfriend are fairly nice, and there's a small simmer of flirtatiousness that goes on between the three of us at game. Enough to be noticeable, but small enough to ignore if it comes down to that.

I also met a really nice woman named Sava (which I think is a gorgeous name), and we went out to dinner last month. She works as a television assistant, so shortly after that, she was called out of town. She mentioned that she was free for dinner this Thursday, though - hopefully that comes off. She's married, so there will definitely be a balancing act involved there. I admit to being a little nervous in this arena, which leads me to the other stuff circling in my head.

It's mainly worry about talking about my last relationship and the issues I'm currently dealing with. I don't want to demonize Colin and Ash. I'm worried that by saying what they did that was hurtful, I'll come off as just bitching about my ex and his current. Which isn't what I want to do.

But I also don't want to just gloss over things, because that's sort of what bit me in the ass last time. I tried to keep any sort of details vague, because they make people so uncomfortable. And so, the groundwork was set for a massive trigger, which did damage to the then-current relationship and pretty much killed the potential relationship I was interested in.

And of course, there's the fact that I still really wish I could resolve SOMETHING with those two. It's stupid, I know, but as my birthday gets closer, I wish that whatever forces control birthday magic in the universe would actually decide to be nice and they would actually call or email me and open an actual dialogue with me. I can't even begin to say how much it would help to hear "Look, I've been thinking, and I wouldn't have liked to have been on your end of (hurtful action), so let's see what we can do here."

Some of it seems just to be a unwillingness to not think about bad things - and I'm one of those bad things. Not only that, I'm a bad thing that CAN be ignored (unlike something like family health issues or financial stress or whatever). While the five-six hour drive wouldn't be much of an issue to someone that they wanted to maintain a relationship with, it makes it easy to avoid people you want to avoid - no chance of randomly running into me at the store or anything.

Then there's the totally human and understandable, if frustrating, reluctance to admit that something you did hurt someone by mistake. Especially when the thing that hurt someone else was meant to be a good thing for another person. I've gotten some "I'm sorry if you were hurt" type of apologies, but sometimes it feels like if they admit that an action they did was hurtful, then that makes them a bad person. And those apologies tend to be followed by long periods of silence, which makes them harder to really believe.

I get the not wanting to be a bad person - or not wanting to seem like a bad person - it's one of the things I worry about too. There was a woman that messaged me on OKCupid, but was apparently friends (at least Facebook friends) with my ex. If I even come up (I rarely did when we were dating, so...) , I'm sure I'm not really portrayed in flattering terms. And then there's the fact I've gotten blamed for some people not wanting to speak to them - even though if that's ever come up, I've said that I don't want them to lose friends. It's also strange because I know at least one of them doesn't take kindly to anyone who knows about the situation bringing it up at all.

I don't know... it's stressful, and I'm probably thinking about their feelings too much. It is what I would like them to do in regards to me, but I get the feeling there's a lot more pleasant distractions for them. Or at least other distractions. First it was just waiting to see if I would settle down at all, then it was job stuff, then moving, and of course wedding stuff. Again - nothing that would really get in the way of a relationship unless you really wanted it to.

I don't want to come off as though I was totally blameless in all this, either. I was hurt by a lot of things they did, and didn't do, and that's one thing. However, my reactions to that hurt were quite strong, scary, and certainly not productive or helpful. I could have found websites that talked about things I was feeling that DIDN'T have the word abuse there, and I might not have hit that button on him. If I had called her back the night after the flashback...blahblahfishcakes. It's all stuff I've talked about before.

The funny thing is - I'm reasonably sure if any of these scenarios were presented to them by someone else, it would be easier for them to understand why those things would hurt. But because they were done with the best of intentions, and for the cause of love... it's a lot harder to do that. And I get that, and I understand that. I just wish I knew what to do.
( Mar. 21st, 2011 11:09 pm)
I really want to email them, but can't think of anything to say that won't get dismissed or labeled as unfair or crazy.

It's hard to be soothing when all you want to do is say stuff like "Stop pretending I don't exist."
So, I have an iPod adapter in the car - and it's the type that charges at it plays, so I tend to just leave it in and on random whenever I'm driving.

Sometimes, though, music comes on that resonates a little too well with events both past and present in my life.

And I wish I could make them understand.

Videos and lyrics to songs here. Possibly triggering for r*pe, abuse, bad relationship )
balivatn: (anger)
( Mar. 7th, 2011 08:24 pm)
Good news bad news

Good news is fiance got a raise, and that's always useful. Maybe we can get a place that will let me have a dog.
The bunny I'm fostering for the shelter is doing well - she's snuggly and cute.

Bad news

Another birthday alone. I should be used to this by now.
Still can't handle the thought of going to Disney or Portos' - those are their places.
Father is doing worse.
Still haven't really heard from the people I love.
Everyday everyone gets farther away.

Everyday feels like a papercut on my heart. Some days just add lemon juice.
( Feb. 17th, 2011 11:44 pm)
Sometimes I just want to say and type their names over and over again and make a bridge of words.

I wish they missed me.

I wish I could make people understand.
So tomorrow (in my time zone) is Valentine's Day. And I do have this fiance type person wandering around, so according to many people, I should be happy. Or at least indifferent. My fiance and I haven't really done much for Valentine's Day in quite some time. If we think about it, we might go out to dinner. But currently the financial situation combined with the work schedules has lead to more dinners out than in - admittedly, they're of the cheap fast food variety for the most part.

These past few Valentine's Days have been rather difficult for me. Mainly because I am in love with four people and only one of them is speaking to me. It's not great to have all these reminders around reminding me of how many people have cut me out of their life.

There's some jealousy, but it's... it feels more complicated than that. Like two of my loves are planning their wedding, after they've moved further away for better jobs. And those are both good things, and I am happy that they get good things. Another former love and friend has found a gorgeous house they want to buy with their current love. This is also a great thing. I just wish it didn't feel like they were getting so much good stuff at my expense. I don't think it's that unnatural to want to share in the happy moments of the lives of those I love. So I'm not exactly jealous that they're getting good things, I'm just... wishing I could be part of them, somehow. Part of their lives.

But I'm fairly sure that would involve speaking to them, at least.

And it seems that that's not something they desire to do.

This does not make for the happiest of Valentine's Days.

The fact that one of the people I love also has a birthday this week doesn't really help, either.
Lot of stuff going on in my head - most of it would be pointless to write out. Wishing I could do more than wish things differently, but I have no idea what those things would be.

Been thinking a lot about gender stuff. I've mentioned I don't gender-identify when at all possible, but there's times and places where I don't really have too many options, and it's rather frustrating. A lot of forms that require me to pick one (the only time I'm OK with this is for sex, not gender, and really, that's only at the doctor's). OKCupid - have to identify. Facebook - have to identify. Market research - online I have to identify, otherwise I can't proceed on the survey. Meatspace surveys I generally do say "Does not apply." Don't have to identify on Twitter, at least. Don't have to identify here.

But then there's that whole "offline" concept. I work with elementary schoolers. I always introduce myself as "Teacher Balivatn." However, if I'm not dressed in "men's" clothes, then I get called "Miss Balivatn." And the teachers and aides and parents also refer to me as "Miss Balivatn." I don't really feel comfortable correcting them all the time - the little kids won't understand why, and considering some of these schools, the parents wouldn't either.

Then there's the just the casual everyday references that people use - I can be "Aunt Balivatn" to my sister's kids, I'm my cats' "mother," I get asked to "girls' night out," all that sort of thing.

There's also apparently the idea that if I dress in any way that shows "feminine" characteristics (i.e., my tits are noticeable and not strapped down with a sports bra), or if I wear jewelry, or anything like that, apparently I'm a girl then. So I have to dress a specific way if I don't want to be misgendered by everyone. And even if I do dress in an androgynous fashion, I still get asked to identify, and there's a lot of cases where I can't just say "none of the above, thank you."

Most of the people I know (my family excepted), would be very good about using the right pronouns and referring to me as a man if I was transgendered. But I'm not. I'm not cisgendered, either. I tend to say I am cissexual - that's mostly true, I'm not really looking to change my body to match a different sexual or gender identity - but I'm not always comfortable with the physical body I have. Not just a "unattractive" stage (although that's pretty much a constant, especially lately), but more a "something else would feel more right" sense.

But because I'm neither fish nor fowl... I don't really exist. The only place I can really not have a gender identity is where people can't see me, where I exist as words on screen.

I don't know. I don't really know how to make sense out of it. Guess that's not really unique, though.
balivatn: (pic#587585)


( Jan. 10th, 2011 08:39 pm)
It's not been a great couple months (probably could extend that, but... yeah).

Talk of frustration and sex and relationship stuff )
balivatn: (pic#587613)
( Jan. 5th, 2011 04:54 pm)
At least, it's not the obvious mental side.

I tried to take advantage of a free pass to a local gym because I like to swim, and the gym has a lap pool and hot tub, which I do tend to like. But this past week has been extra wonky with the depression stuff. I mean, I'm having all the mental issues, but the weird thing is the other stuff that goes along with it. I've been really tired this week - sleeping WAY more than I usually do, especially considering I've been an insomniac for so much of my life. I've been coming home from the shelter or from work and pretty much crawling into bed and not coming out unless Dan can tempt me out with food or reminding me there's something i really need to do.

Doesn't really add up to great workout motivation.

I've also not really been eating well. There's some speculation that more protein might help with mood, but when I'm having a down period, protein stuff doesn't really sound good. I pretty much want sugar cookies or garlic triscuits. Unless, of course, I'm asleep.

The constant sleeping has some definite mental effects, though - I obviously feel guilty about sleeping so much and not doing more around the house to keep it clean. I'm also worried because people I care about are leaving in a few weeks and I haven't really said much to them. But things between us are still pretty uneasy, and so it's hard to write out what I'm feeling to them and not fall into the pitfalls that we've hit so many times already.

That does start the mental stuff.

Therapy is going - my individual therapist is nice enough, but she rarely has suggestions. Maybe it's just the way I'm framing things in our sessions - perhaps some of the stuff going on gets described in a relateable or understandable way to her there. If that's the case, I wish I could duplicate that with the people who actually matter to me.
( Dec. 13th, 2010 09:58 pm)
Last entry locked to private. Taking to therapist tomorrow.
Does anyone know where this quote is from? As you can probably imagine, it resonates quite a bit with me.

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel - like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart - locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.”
balivatn: (pic#587613)
( Nov. 26th, 2010 09:29 pm)
Anyone in the general LA area that's interested / available:

There's a Bulgarian concert/party going on at UCLA on Monday, November 29th. It's in room 1344, Schoenberg Music Building. There will be singing, dancing, and traditional Bulgarian Christmas foods made by my conductor. If anyone has time, it would mean a lot if they could be there - my fiance is traveling on Sunday and will be in Denver until Tuesday, so he won't make it.

The concert starts at 7 PM, and will probably be done by 8:30-9:00. It's free.